I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
