Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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