The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
