Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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