My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize