so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
