I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize