I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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