I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
