Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
