I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
