LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
