nutella sex= disaster
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Less talking, more tequila
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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