Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize