i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
