Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
