I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize