Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
