I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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