fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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