i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
