Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
