Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
