I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
