Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Pooping to opera.
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