Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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