At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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