Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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