woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
