drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
