but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
