if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
