after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
