he thought i was a dude.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
