you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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