I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
you are never too drunk for berry picking
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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