I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
