She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
