I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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