the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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