Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
