our cab driver is having phone sex.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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