You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
