Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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