I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
