You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
