Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
