I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
