Don't make out with my wife yet
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
