Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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