I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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