what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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