This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
