I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
