Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
