you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We have started to decorate penises.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
