I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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