I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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