A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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