As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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