Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
