I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
