we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
