god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i drank out of a bidet.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
