i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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