she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
